If you remember to walk into Pearl Harbor with your expectations lower than a midget conga line, you'll do just fine through the three hour opus. You may even leave surprised in a lot of places. I certainly did.

If you remember to walk into Pearl Harbor with your expectations lower than a midget conga line, you'll do just fine through the three hour opus. You may even leave surprised in a lot of places. I certainly did.

It seems ironic that the grand master of action films for the Short-Attention Span Audience would create a picture that requires those same people to sit through over an hour of mushy love-story sludge before diving into the real movie. And yes, the love triangle between Rafe (Ben Affleck), Danny (Josh Hartnett) and Evelyn (Kate Beckinsale) is terribly unoriginal but thanks to my aforementioned really low expectations, wasn't a total bore either. But lord almighty, it seems like it will never end. My friend actually fell asleep during this part. He was probably the lucky one.

So what rescues this picture from being total sappy drivel? The Japanese. They're the real heroes of the movie. Why? Because they fly in and save it by getting the story underway. All the reviews agree, and so do I. The 40-minute attack is spectacular. And a few scenic liberties aside (a Little League game at 7:00 in the morning?) it seems to be fairly accurate. Now despite being largely orchestrated by ILM (Industrial Light & Magic for those in the know) a lot of the tendencies of special effects people to go overboard are blessedly reined in. Planes and explosions obey the natural laws of physics; people get shot and actually die (as opposed to just shaking it off--like most action flicks); and the attack is not portrayed as some grandiose adventure for everyone involved. Michael Bay, the director here, really did his homework and got his shit straight for this. Although, it helps that this is still living history--meaning: hundreds of the people who were part of these horrific events are alive to keep modern storytellers in line.

You're expecting the usual gripes, I'm sure. That the film is formulaic on almost every level... it is. But if any of this plot is new to you in any way, you're either very very young and had to sneak into the movie, or you've suffered a sharp blow to the head which has rendered your memory and reasoning skills totally AWOL. Some critics have bitched about the overly patriotic strains of the film; that it plays like a WWII propaganda flick, and they question the purpose and need for this. Here's where I was surprised the most. Yes, it unapologetically stokes the fires of American Pride and damn near venerates the men of that generation. But I left feeling like that isn't at all a bad thing. It glorified the men, not just the war itself. Or even the country so much, for that matter. It isn't just a cup your hand over your heart ode to American patriotism. So you can exit the theater as I did: feeling good about living in the good ole USA because it still produces some pretty damn fine people. Which brings me to the most surprising thing about Pearl Harbor: it wasn't that bad.