The characters in this ever-unfolding drama of world events speak for themselves in this, ahem, modified news story.

Bush rallies troops at Fort Hood
'America will act deliberately' on Iraq

(A mediocre news story found on cnn.com on Jan. 3, 2003. Italicized commentary added by Jaime Hampton.)


Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein has so far refused to accede to U.N. disarmament demands, Bush said, and poses a threat to Americans and U.S. allies in the region.

Saddam: "Nener nener nener! You can't stop me!"

Bush said he hopes the impasse can be resolved peacefully, but he warned that U.S. forces are ready to disarm Iraq if needed.

Bush: "We're pretty much going to blow up anyone and anything that's in the general area of that strange and uncharted land called the Middle East."

Condeleezza Rice: "Uh, sir ... that land isn't uncharted. People have inhabited it since ancient times."

Bush: "Shut up, Condi. You're ruining my Star Trek themed mood."

"If force becomes necessary to secure our country and to keep the peace, America will act deliberately, America will act decisively, and America will prevail, because we've got the finest military in the world," he said.

Bush: "We're going to kick some ass and leave names!"

Condi: "Sir, that's take names."

Bush: "Will you shut up, Condi? Where I'm from, the negro don't speak unless they is spoken to. Got it?"

About 42,000 soldiers are stationed at Fort Hood, home to the Army's 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry divisions.

Bush reviewed troops at the installation, which is about 50 miles south of his ranch in Crawford, and had lunch with soldiers there Friday.

Bush: "Man, there's nothing like eating a platefull of flesh before we shoot up and bomb some more!"

The Bush administration is juggling a possible military confrontation with Iraq over its pursuit of nuclear, chemical and biological weapons, and a diplomatic face-off with North Korea over Pyongyang's decision to restart a nuclear weapons program it froze in 1994.

"In the case of North Korea, the world must continue to speak with one voice to turn that regime away from its nuclear ambitions," Bush said.

Bush: "Dammit, why can't the rest of the world understand that we want to be the absolute world power and only we should be able to kill and injure millions of people at once at our leisure?"

"In the case of Iraq, the world has already spoken with one voice: The Iraqi regime has a duty under [U.N.] Security Council resolutions to declare and destroy all of its weapons of mass destruction."

The world: "For the love of Moses, Iraq, just do what the US wants. They aren't discriminatory as far as who gets thoughtlessly massacred, and our borders aren't far from yours. Just ask Japan about this kind of shit."

Japan: "Fuckin' a, man. We know. The US doesn't think. Er, I mean, play."

Iraq has so far resisted those mandates, Bush said, calling the declaration of weapons-development efforts that Baghdad submitted last month "incomplete."

Bush: "What Condi? Incomplete doesn't mean I can't read them? Quick, somebody get me a synonym for 'I can't read what they wrote.'"

"The Iraqi dictator did not even attempt to submit a credible declaration," he said. "We can now be certain that he holds the United Nations and the U.N. Security Council and its resolutions in contempt. He really doesn't care about the opinion of mankind."

Saddam: "But I do care what everyone thinks, especially Bush. I got some ranch land where I can contribute to soil-erosion by raising cattle. I bought that giant Suburban and got a sticker for it that says 'Abortion is a hate-crime.' Oh wait, no I didn't! FUCK YOU AMERICA!"

More than 1,300 troops stationed at Fort Hood have been sent overseas, Bush said, and another 1,600 are preparing to go. Many more are expected to be deployed if the United States were to go to war with Iraq.

Troops: "They told us the Iraqi women are really hot and like to show a lot of skin. We can't wait to get over there."

"Wherever you may be sent, you can know that America is grateful, and your commander in chief is confident in your abilities and proud of your service," Bush said.

Bush: "YOU'S ALL GONNA DIE, AND I COULDN'T GIVE TWO SHITS!!

"Condi ... where can I get some of the Philips laxative you black folks on TV keep raving about?"